We put the wrong emphasis on what beauty is and what health is. Health is being vibrant and having energy and being happy.

A circus! 100 clowns of injustice have climbed out of the tiny clown car of this court room.

So, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here.' Is that sarcasm?

There's lotion for your face, for your hands, for your feet, for your body. Why? What would happen if you put hand lotion on your feet? Would your feet get confused and start clapping? Each kind has something special in it - aloe, shea butter, coconut, cocoa butter, vanilla, lemon extract. That's not lotion. That's one ingredient short of a Bundt cake.

All we have is here and now. That's why procrastination feels so right. Procrastination isn't the problem, it's the solution.

Now airlines charge for everything... If the oxygen mask drops, you have to swipe your credit card to start the flow of the oxygen.

I was doing stand-up at a restaurant and there was a chalkboard on the street out front. It said, Soup of the Day: Cream of Asparagus. Ellen DeGeneres.