I cannot believe they haven't yet come up with a better screening process than the mammogram. If a man had to put his special parts inside a clamp to test him for anything, I think they would come up with a new plan before the doctor finished saying, "Put that thing there so I can crush it.
Ellen DeGeneresThe world is filled with negativity. I want people to watch me and think, āI feel good, and Iām going to make somebody else feel good today.
Ellen DeGeneresSo, I bought a new CD and I was trying to get it open but couldn't with all the layers... I mean plastic and then tape, and the tape is like government tape. It says 'open here.' Is that sarcasm?
Ellen DeGeneresThe legend goes that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. I was thinking... that must be hard to put all the tiny seatbelts on all the snakes.
Ellen DeGeneresPeople give me such a hard time because I don't wear dresses. What's that got to do with anything?
Ellen DeGeneres