There are all sorts of books offering advice on how to deal with life-threatening situations, but where's the advice on dealing with embarrassing ones?

Leaning forward in your chair when someone is trying to squeeze behind you isn't enough. You also have to move the chair.

What would bug the Taliban more than seeing a gay woman in a suit surrounded by Jews?

Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when you see them wearing dark glasses, having streamers around their necks and a hat on their antlers. Because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot.

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?

You should never assume. You know what happens when you assume. You make an ass out of you and me because that's how it's spelled.