I watch people's behavior and notice things. I think that's why I became a comedian. I notice how stupid the things we do are.

And now I've got to explain the smell that was in there before I went in there. Does that ever happen to you? It's not your fault. You've held your breath, you just wanna get out, and now you open the door and you have to explain, 'Oh! Listen, there's an odor in there and I didn't do it. It's bad.

I don't know who had the bright idea of teaching pneumonia how to walk, but I'd like to find that dunderhead before he decides he wants to teach it how to drive.

Why can't rappers just say nice things? Like I wanna take your clothes off and hang them up in the closet real nice.

My cat, Ethel, is an indoor cat but somehow she's sneakin' out at night. 'Cause the other morning I found a stamp on her paw... I wouldn't have noticed myself, but I just bought this new black light and she passed right under it and I said, 'Hey, what's that on you paw?

It`s hard when paparazzi are photographing every single thing you do. I'm sure a lot of people made mistakes - they just were not documented the way they are now.

When you take risks you learn that there will be times when you succeed and there will be times when you fail, and both are equally important.