The copyeditor I drew was a brachycephalic, web-footed cretin who should have been in an institution learning how to make brooms.

It's the Government's job to print the money, deliver the mail and declare war. Now give me my cigarettes.

We want a president who is as much like an American tourist as possible. Someone with the same goofy grin, the same innocent intentions, the same naive trust; a president with no conception of foreign policy and no discernible connection to the U.S. government, whose Nice Guyism will narrow the gap between the U.S. and us until nobody can tell the difference.

In the last few years, race relations in America have entered upon a period of intensified craziness wherein fear of being called a racist has so thoroughly overwhelmed fear of being a racist that we are in danger of losing sight of the distinction.

The feminization of America has made emotions sacrosanct while condemning as cold and unfeeling rigorous concepts such as duty andhonor. Propelled by incessant hosannas to woman's "finer" this and "softer" that, we make emotional decisions instead of ethical ones and then congratulate ourselves for having "heart.

Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down.

Writers who have nothing to say always strain for metaphors to say it in.