People who get married because they're in love make a ridiculous mistake. It makes much more sense to marry your best friend. You like your best friend more than anyone you're ever going to be in love with. You dont choose your best friend because they have a cute nose.

Did it ever occur to anyone that if you put nice libraries in public schools you wouldn't have to put them in prisons?

The good thing about being in someone else's apartment is it's so much easier to leave than it is to get someone out.

I believe in talking behind peoples' backs. That way, they hear it more than once.

If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.

Donald Trump is not my fault. You can blame certain things on me, but not Donald Trump.

Forcing people into a situation where they're supposed to adore each other is probably bad. But letting people get on and off the 6 train without stabbing each other, that's good.