You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.

I believe that at birth everyone gets the capacity for a certain amount of drugs and alcohol, everyone the same, you can do it all between 15 and 19 like I did, or you can stretch it out over 70 years.

Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.

There are two modes of transport in Los Angeles: car and ambulance. Visitors who wish to remain inconspicuous are advised to choose the latter

Albert Einstein didn't care where he lived. Albert Einstein was a genius. Albert Einstein wasn't getting lost in the master bedroom, he was lost in thought.

I used to buy all my shirts at Brooks Brothers, but that was completely ruined about 20 years ago. They discontinued the shirt I liked. If I had only known this - I mean, if you're going to discontinue an item that thousands and thousands of people buy, announce it. Say, 'We will no longer be making our excellent Brooks Brothers cotton shirts that we made for 5,000 years. We're going to change them in some awful way. We're alerting you so you can buy a lifetime supply.' Shirts don't go bad, they're not peaches.

I hate academic mysteries. As soon as I come across the word 'don' and it's not someone's first name, I close the book.