Here's a guy that when he puts his contacts in, he can see better.

Hey, I work one full hour a day!

Speaking of Quarterback nicknames, you hear they're calling Jay Cutler 50 cent? Because you only get two quarters out of him.

Guy on the plane I'm on has a text alert that sounds like a gunshot... And he isn't putting it on vibrate.

When I used to watch vaudevillian impressionists, people like Rich Little or Frank Gorshin, I always felt like the voice was the only point. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to be of the Robin Williams or Jonathan Winters model, where observation and storytelling was important.

I made the grandkids laugh. John Madden finally liked me!

Jay Leno's the only guy on earth who could have a bobble head made of him that would bobble less than his actual head.