Professional footballers - those virile young stags of our modern culture - are near perpetual fountains of sputum.

I'm world-famous in West Bromwich.

So, Arsenal have signed Arsene Wenger because his name sounds a bit like the club. How long before Man Utd sign Stefan Kuntz?

How do I relax? This might sound slightly ridiculous but I play the ukulele for at least an hour a day and I find something really blissful about it.

You can spend your whole life trying to be popular, but at the end of the day, the size of the crowd at your funeral will be largely dictated by the weather.

Cider was my drink because I liked the taste and it made me stupid.

I honestly thought my marriage would work because me and the wife did share a sense of humour. We had to really, because she didn't have one.