You know, a lot of people think that just 'cause you work out, lift weights, eat right, and do what people tell you to do that you'll live a long live, maybe you will. But, why do people measure life by the years instead about how good the years were.

You pigeon hole yourself by the title you give yourself.

Walgreens, Rite Aid, CVS and Wal-Mart have all figured out the evolution of life and they grabbed all the products that are necessary for a life. And they stuck them in one aisle and they put them in order according to how you mess up... First thing you're going to see: condoms. Next to that: lubricant. Next to that: pregnancy test. Next to that: Pampers. Next to that: formula. And at the end of the aisle they sell beer.

It's because you alienate half the room talking about sports. Half the crowd will be against you no matter what you say.

And I don't want you thinking that my girlfriend is a bad person. She is an amazing woman, the fact that I only have seven stories about her in eight years, says a lot. You know, don't get me wrong, five of them happened this year, but that's still way below the bar, you know what I am saying.

Wearing a Hawaiian shirt, you don't ever come across as offensive. Nobody sees you as a threat. You see someone in a Hawaiian shirt, and you are like 'this guy is ready to party.'

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.