It is more worthy in the eyes of God . . . if a writer makes three pages sharp and funny about the lives of geese than to make three hundred fat and flabby about God or the American people.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

I think the most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.'

Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

I am a cheerful man, even in the dark, and it's all thanks to a good Lutheran mother. . . . Mother was well composed, a true Lutheran, and taught me to Cheer up, Make yourself useful, Mind your manners, and above all, Don't feel sorry for yourself.

Don't tear up the page and start over again when you write a bad line-try to write your way out of it. Make mistakes and plunge on. Writing is a means of discovery, always.

I write on a laptop, so it's impossible to count drafts anymore.