Humor needs to come in under cover of darkness, in disguise, and surprise people.

I felt bad for that world that we have given a generation of kids.

The relationship between truth and a newspaper is like the relationship between the color green and the number seven. Occasionally you will see the number seven written in green, but you learn not to expect this.

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

This is the big reason most humorists fail. Drunks don't read books.

You learn this great lesson of life: it's not about me. It's just not. The matter of talent-which seemed so important to you when you were young-is not of great importance. We're simply a conduit. We take things out of the air into us and put them in the form of stories. That's pretty much it.

People in cars cause accidents and accidents in cars cause people.