They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

Never insult a writer. You may find yourself immortalized in ways you may not appreciate.

In California virtually everyone has had their teeth whitened. If they all smiled at once, they would give us a headache.

Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.