They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Boys, the first drink is a boon, the second is a gamble, the third is poor judgment, and then the rate of descent gets steep

Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Adolescence hits boys harder than it does girls. Girls bleed a little and their breasts pop out, big deal, but adolescence lands on a guy with both feet. . . . Your body is engulfed by chemicals of rage and despair, you pound, you shriek, you batter your head against the trees. You come away wounded, feeling that life is unknowable, can never be understood, only endured and sometimes cheated.

Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

People do what they are told not to do. It happens time and time again. Here on the frozen tundra, it is known as the Tongue on the Frozen Pump Handle principle.

Winter: It's not just a season, it's who we are.