Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and in those times, you must do something anyway.

I think that you are only obliged to be a humorist from the age of 18 until you turn 30. Past the age of 30 I don't think there is any obligation to be clever at all.

You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

I think if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, this would be a better world for all of us.

I like to sing and it's just really fun to sing, and I don't get too much. And at my house I'm not allowed to because, you know, your children can't stand it when you sing at home.

Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

For me, the monologue was the favorite thing I had done in radio. It was based on writing, but in the end it was radio, it was standing up and leaning forward into the dark and talking, letting words come out of you.