Being an English major prepares you for impersonating authority.

We English majors...need to promote public libraries as a tool in the war against terror. How many readers of Edith Wharton have engaged in terroristic acts? I challenge you to name one...Do we need to wait until our cities lie in smoking ruins before we wake up to the fact that a first-class public library is a vital link in national defense?

Every show is your last show. That's my philosophy.

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded pistol on your coffee table - There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about it.

When it comes to finding available men in Minnesota, the odds are good, but the goods are odd.

You'd learn more about the world by lying on the couch and drinking gin out of a bottle than by watching the news.

English is the perfect language for preachers because it allows you to talk until you think of what to say.