A man ought to be able to be fond of his wife without making a fool of himself about her.

Well, upon my soul! You are not ashamed to stand there and confess yourself a disgusting drunkard.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I find that the moment I let a woman make friends with me, she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damned nuisance. I find that the moment I let myself make friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical.

Some people look at the world and say 'why?' Some people look at the world and say 'why not?'

Schools and schoolmasters, as we have them today, are not popular as places of education and teachers, but rather prisons and turnkeys in which children are kept to prevent them disturbing and chaperoning their parent.

What is wrong with the prosaic Englishman is what is wrong with the prosaic men of all countries: stupidity.