We should have had socialism already, but for the socialists, am quite willing to drop the name if dropping it will help me to get the thing.

The man who writes about himself and his own time is the only man who writes about all people and about all time.

The first prison I ever saw had inscribed on it CEASE TO DO EVIL: LEARN TO DO WELL; but as the inscription was on the outside, the prisoners could not read it.

Orchestras only need to be sworn at, and a German is consequently at an advantage with them, as English profanity, except in America, has not gone beyond a limited technology of perdition.

The 100% American is 99% idiot.

If you must hold yourself up to your children as an object lesson, hold yourself up as a warning and not as an example.

The only person who acts sensibly is my tailor. He takes my measure anew every time he sees me. Everyone else goes by their old measurements.