I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

When I'm not actually doing my work, I'm planning it or thinking about it or reading things that on some level are transformed into performance fantasies. I have no active interests. I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

We are all precancerous.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

I believe you can joke about anything.

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Comedy is grievances. It's a recitation of grievances - whether they're inconsequential, superficial - like "my wife shops too much", or "kids today", all those old-fashioned themes - or, if it's deeper, and somewhat more thoughtful, about social imbalance and inequities, and the folly of human behavior. It's usually a complaint.