George Carlin Quotes

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80s. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' You know bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions.

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer.

The coke made me incredibly horny.

The larger the group, the more toxic, the more of your beauty as an individual you have to surrender for the sake of group thought. And when you suspend your individual beauty you also give up a lot of your humanity. You will do things in the name of a group that you would never do on your own. Injuring, hurting, killing, drinking are all part of it, because you've lost your identity, because you now owe your allegiance to this thing that's bigger than you are and that controls you.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

Military cemeteries around the world are packed with brainwashed dead soldiers who were convinced God was on their side. America prays for God to destroy our enemies. Our enemies pray for God to destroy us. Somebody's gonna be disappointed! Somebody's wasting their time! Could it be.. everyone?

If voting changed anything, it would be illegal.

If drumsticks are for playing drums, you would think that breadsticks would be for playing bread, wouldn't you? "Would you like some breadsticks?" "No, thank you, I don't play bread. I play drums. Perhaps I'll have a drum roll."

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?

I think religion is very anti-man. I think it's a terrible distortion and exploitation of a very natural urge every human has - to be rejoined with the one somehow, to become a part of the universe. Once the high priests and the traders took over, we were lost as a species.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

Comedy, I figured, was the thing that came to me the most easily. Playing the trumpet and piano took practice. I thought that was a waste of time. I'd go out on the street corner and be funny. In a minute.

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

E-I-E-I-O is actually a gross misspelling of the word farm.

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?

I never took reds or Quaaludes to balance out the coke. So when it got to be four in the morning and the gram was three quarters gone, I'd start wishing it was nine o'clock and hoping the guy got up early. But, of course, he didn't sleep either, so there was no sweat. During all those years, I was always looking forward to the next snort or the next guy I could score from.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

Life is not that complicated.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.

Where do we get our values from?

Give now. Somewhere, someone feels crappy. You can help.

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

There are a lot of little things about our bodies that we all know, but we never talk about. That's what interests me. These are practically universal experiences; nobody mentions them! Some of them are disgusting. Some of them are appallingly revolting and degrading even to the most degenerate mind. So let's get started with a couple of them.

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

In high school, when I first heard of entropy, I was attracted to it immediately. They said that in nature all systems are breaking down, and I thought, What a wonderful thing; perhaps I can make some small contribution to this process, myself.

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

There's a thrill when you steal something in plain view of other people. When you drop a newspaper over a sign and walk away with it, or take something off a wall and the sound of the glue ripping makes people turn around. Your heart is racing, it's a rush.

So I live in Los Angeles, and it's kind of a goofy place. They have an airport named after John Wayne. That ought to explain it. It has a charming kind of superstitious innocence.

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

A crumb is a great thing: If you break a crumb in half, you don't get two half-crumbs, you get two crumbs. Doesn't that violate some law of physics?