Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

On the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

Without the laughs, the audience wouldn't be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality.

Let me get a sip of water here... you figure this stuff is safe to drink? Actually, I don't care, I drink it anyway. You know why? Because I'm an American and I expect a little cancer in my food and water. I'm a loyal American and I'm not happy unless I let government and industry poison me a little bit every day.