Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Cancer research is a growth industry.

Every day I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I’ve stayed alive.

Running isn't a sport because anyone can do it. Anything we can all do can't be a sport. I can run, you can run. My mother can run, you don't see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated do you?

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

When I was young I used to read about the decline of Western civilization, and I decided it was something I would like to make a contribution to.