As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

I have dogs in my house and much like teenagers at some point, they leave the parents. Even though they're in the same house, they live independently. I think that's how I live with the Chihuahuas.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

If you want a show to succeed, you're going to have to have a certain amount of people watch who are non-black and non-Latino. If you can't cross over, you don't belong on TV. That's not just me saying it. That's just the way it is.

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.