If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.

I prefer my Mexican food to have a little bit of an animal that suffered a little bit. That's some of the best food.

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

[There's] a joke that I've done forever: 'Nowadays they say that the largest majority of people will be Latino and you'll tell scary stories to your grandkids: "A long time ago when I was growing up, there used to be people who were white," and the kid says, "Really?" and you say, "Yeah, like the man who cuts our grass."' I've had that line forever and I love it.