Laughter survives... it has to survive.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

As Latinos, you want [people] to come to America - not necessarily Latinos, but [anyone who wants] to come here for a better life. That's kind of how this country was founded and the history of this country.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

[There's] a joke that I've done forever: 'Nowadays they say that the largest majority of people will be Latino and you'll tell scary stories to your grandkids: "A long time ago when I was growing up, there used to be people who were white," and the kid says, "Really?" and you say, "Yeah, like the man who cuts our grass."' I've had that line forever and I love it.

Laughter survives... it has to survive.

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.