I would rather be funny than gorgeous, absolutely. Because it's too hard to be gorgeous, you know. I could make a stab at gorgeous as long as I had something funny to say to get out of it.

... every time I got disappointed I'd remember the Roseannadanna philosophy that says that you shouldn't cry over split milk 'cause if you spill some milk and instead of cleaning it up you just walk over it and start crying, they're gonna put you on lithium.

Having cancer gave me membership in an elite club I'd rather not belong to.

Cancer is probably the most unfunny thing in the world, but I'm a comedian, and even cancer couldn't stop me from seeing the humor in what I went through.

Humor is just truth, only faster!

There are those who open their hearts to others...who never think twice about giving of themselves. They are the wonderful warmhearted people who make all the difference in our lives.

[Emily Litella line:] Never mind.