Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

I've finally been able to trust and have intimacy with somebody, which I've never been able to do. Like a lot of guys, I just have a hard time getting that connected. I can actually sleep with her in my arms - spoons position, right? Women smile, they love the spoons. Men would rather fork.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.