Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.