The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Same thing every year, getting up at the crack of dawn, drinking, fighting, throwing up, pissing on walls and then you leave the house and things get bad.

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.