My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

Iowa's the worst. Iowa's just nothing, just flat as far as you can see. It's the only state in the country where you can stand on your front porch and actually watch your dog run away for three days.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.