My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

When you're not 21, it's great to drink because you're not allowed to. You're a rebel: you gotta get a fake I.D., you gotta find a place to drink it, you gotta sneak in drunk. And if you get away with all that, you're laying in bed, your heart's pounding, you got vomit on your chin. You're like, 'I'm a rebel!' And you are. You're cool.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

We are now able to create virtual realities on computers. Are we all living in one created by someone in the future?