Lieutenant Governor Paterson - blind, black guy - gets sworn in. First thing he says is, 'By the way, cheated on my wife. Let's just get that out in the open right now.' He didn't need to admit that. He's blind. Could have said it was an accident.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.

Debt means you had more fun than you were supposed to.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

Rescuing dogs is looked upon as a noble, trendy pursuit. But wouldn't rescuing a man from a homeless shelter be, in fact, more humane?

When a banana gets rotten people love to tell you that you can make banana bread out of it. I have never seen anyone actually do it.

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.