If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

The compulsion to do the opposite of what you are told does not lend itself to many occupations outside the entertainment industry. Within the industry, it is unlikely that you will be very successful without it.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

I love when problems have simple solutions. Cold medicine. Umbrellas. Condoms. Tax incentives & subsidies attracting favored industries.