If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I feel life is to be lived. You want to spend your time doing things and being with friends and all that.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

My kids teased me at dinner that I'm not cool. I told them if I was cool I wouldn't be sitting at home with my kids. Pass the gravy.