I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

They say men have a sexual thought every 20 seconds. The other 19 are shame.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

The best drunks are the ones who only hang out with other drunks in places we all know are filled with drunks.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.