I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I knew that drinking and doing stand-up was going to make me less of an effective comedian. And I just had a lot invested in wanting to be a really good comedian and so I stopped for that reason.

My friend goes, 'If you're going to use Rogaine, just put it somewhere you're going to remember to use it everyday.' So I put it right next to my Prozac. But now it just feels really pathetic using both of these products at the same time, 'cause if either one works, I don't really need the other one.

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.