I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

I never know what I'm going to say as I walk up to the microphone. I try to be in the moment. I try to go deeper into myself. I discover things on stage that I don't discover off stage about me.

The most interesting hipsters are ones who stop being hipsters.

They say no one knows if we all see red the same way. Except traffic cops.

My father told me when I first started that standup is exciting and I should pursue it, but that writing would be the thing that would give me power over my career. I never have to take a road gig or a writing gig I don't want because I always have the ability to play one against the other.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?