I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

Taking down the Christmas tree makes it feel official: time to get back to joyless and cynical.

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

I called my grandmother yesterday. She picks up the phone, 'Oh hello, dear, hold on a second, I just stepped out of the shower. Let me go put some clothes on.' I said, 'Hey Grandma, don't ever tell me you're naked again. Go put a lot of clothes on. Then put some more clothes on. I'm going to sit here and drink and try to forget you naked in my head.' I'll never eat raisins again.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

Somebody stole my identity. Good luck using it without the medications.