I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I enjoy writing the same way I enjoy doing standup. Part of the challenge is being creative and making it work no matter what the constraints.

As a single couple, we are no longer able to hang around with married couples 'cause they cannot be in our presence without getting very annoying. It's always like, 'So, when are you guys getting married? Huh? When are you getting married? When are you guys getting married?!' I dunno, you're married - when are you gonna die? You're already married, death will be next. When are you gonna die?

There's so many ways to do stand up, and I think, for awhile, people weren't really maximizing the freedom of it. We were all kind of doing a similar kind of stand up, and I started to see some original voices come out of Boston.

If you want to stop two people from having sex, let them get married.

Don't be like me. Look at me: monogamous, in shape, no debt, sober... I'm dead inside.

If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.