I have to stop watching the Olympics. It just reminds me that I forgot to try really hard at something.

I feel like I am too old to eat jelly. But I am too young to eat prunes. I am between grapes.

If we don't have souls then who am I talking to when I keep telling myself to be good?

The most interesting nerds are the ones who take offense to being called nerds.

Driving around with a receding hairline and two kids in a Prius feels a bit boring for me.

I'm kinda stuck in that awkward in-between stage where my hair is just starting to fall out, but I'm still maintaining my youthful acne.

I was just in Las Vegas, where prostitution is legal. Which is a relief because I live in Los Angeles, where it is mandatory.