You're gonna check my computer records? Is that important? I don't think the government needs to know how I feel about teen Asian sluts in order to fight terrorism.

Look at the insane things the Jews believe. The Jews believe that Barbra Streisand is worth $1,000 bucks a ticket.

Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I'm impressed you're here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You're like David Carradine.

You think they could stop putting these experts on the news with their doomsday scenarios of how the terrorists might attack us? Because you get the sense they're coming up with ideas that these people haven't thought of themselves.

I like when people give up chocolate for Lent. Ooh, just like being nailed to a cross.

People come to this country from all over the world to pursue their dreams of driving a taxi or selling hot dogs or working in a sweatshop.

Edible underwear?... even during sex, we can't stop eating.