Joke stealing is a big deal to me, but I mean, I'm not going to investigate it if it doesn't effect me directly.

There are more whipped guys on television than there were on the Amistad.

It's something like 70% of American adults are obese, and the rest of them are women on Ally McBeal.

If being a gangster were a prerequisite to being a musician, there'd be a lot less cello music, for example.

Seventy-two virgins - does that make sense to anyone? And it's an ancient religion, maybe it was misinterpreted? Maybe it's not 72 virgins, maybe it's a 7-foot-2 Persian.

We need more money for schools. We need more money for the kids. Ever think maybe the damn kids aren't worth it?

When I masturbate I fantasize about having my own apartment. I used to think about Cindy Crawford now I think about leaving a dish in the sink overnight.