On a day-to-day basis, you get tired of waiting to be accepted. In show business, someone else has to say that you're good or that you're worth going to see or worth taping a show. There's a lot of pain here. There's a lot of pain inside. I'm a sad, crying-on-the-inside kind of clown.

Americans are not gonna conserve. We're not gonna shift to smaller cars. We can't - we have big, fat kids.

In catholisism we have an entire religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story

There hasn't been a more effeminate Jew in the closet since Anne Frank.

How many of you text message? It's a great way of not communicating.

Terrorism is obviously on everybody's mind. The other day my son says to me, 'Daddy, how come the bad men hate us?' How sad is that? I actually got tears in my eyes - because he's 18. What kind of a moron am I raising?

Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?