The internet's a creepy thing, especially if you have kids. It says something very creepy about the fact that I use the same machine to masturbate with as I use to teach my kid the alphabet.

Why do we need another station where everyone has a gun? We already have BET.

My advice to graduates is to stay positive. Life is short, and you'll be dead soon.

The only reason we're not in Iran now is because we're going alphabetically and George Bush can't spell.

The reality is I'm not this person with this driving 'get it done' attitude.

Part of growing up is learning your strengths and weaknesses. What better way to figure out that hand-eye coordination ain't your thing than by getting drilled in the mouth by a red, rubber ball? You only gotta get beaned in the face so many times before you figure out, 'I better hit the books because this is not working out.

If they [peple] really hate you, that means you're doing something right.