Progress: The process whereby the human race has got rid of whiskers, the vermiform appendix and God.

When somebody says it’s not about the money, it’s about the money.

The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist Jack.

The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is their father.

...no man of genuinely superior intelligence has ever been an actor. Even supposing a young man of appreciable mental powers to be lured upon the stage, as philosophers are occasionally lured into bordellos, his mind would be inevitably and almost immediately destroyed by the gaudy nonsense issuing from his mouth every night.

The artist is not a reporter, but a Great Teacher. It is not his business to depict the world as it is, but as it ought to be.

Religion deserves no more respect than a pile of garbage.