Looking for an honest politician is like looking for an ethical burglar.

People constantly speak of 'the government' doing this or that, as they might speak of God doing it. But the government is really nothing but a group of men, and usually they are very inferior men. They may have some better man working for them, but they themselves are seldom worthy of any respect.

Every autobiography ... becomes an absorbing work of fiction, with something of the charm of a cryptogram.

The average schoolmaster is, and always must be, an ass.

The so-called religious organizations which now lead the war against the teaching of evolution are nothing more, at bottom, than conspiracies of the inferior man against his betters.

God is a Republican, and Santa Claus is a Democrat.

The editors are committed to nothing save this: to keep common sense as fast as they can, to belabor sham as agreeably as possible, to give civilized entertainment.