There's really no point to voting. If it made any difference, it would probably be illegal.

The difference between the smartest dog and the stupidest man - say a Tennessee Holy Roller - is really very small.

The only liberty an inferior man really cherishes is the liberty to quit work, stretch out in the sun, and scratch himself.

The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is their father.

Don't tell me what delusion he entertains regarding God, or what mountebank he follows in politics, or what he springs from, or what he submits to from his wife. Simply tell me how he makes his living. It is the safest and surest of all known tests. A man who gets his board and lodging on this ball in an ignominious way is inevitably an ignominious man.

If I ever mary, it will be on a suddn impulse - as aman shoots himself

Progress: The process whereby the human race has got rid of whiskers, the vermiform appendix and God.