The real charm of the United States is that it is the only comic country ever heard of.

The only way to reconcile science and religion is to set up something which is not science and something that is not religion.

There are some people who read too much: the bibliobibuli. I know some who are constantly drunk on books, as other men are drunk on whiskey or religion. They wander through this most diverting and stimulating of worlds in a haze, seeing nothing and hearing nothing.

Hygiene is the corruption of medicine by morality. It is impossible to find a hygienist who does not debase his theory of the healthful with a theory of the virtuous. ... The aim of medicine is surely not to make men virtuous; it is to safeguard them from the consequences of their vices.

America's biggest failure is its inability to take comedy seriously.

When you sympathize with a married woman you either make two enemies or gain one wife and one friend.

There is always a sheet of paper. There is always a pen. There is always a way out.