[T]he only thing wrong with Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address was that it was the South, not the North, that was fighting for a government of the people, by the people and for the people.

It is impossible to think of a man of any actual force and originality, universally recognized as having those qualities, who spent his whole life appraising and describing the work of other men.

I am one of the few goyim who have ever actually tackled the Talmud. I suppose you now expect me to add that it is a profound and noble work, worthy of hard study by all other goyims. Unhappily, my report must differ from this expectation. It seems to me, save for a few bright spots, to be quite indistinguishable from rubbish.

Love begins like a triolet and ends like a college yell.

It is more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents.

The American people, I am convinced, really detest free speech. At the slightest alarm they are ready and eager to put it down.

I am a strict monogamist: it is twenty years since I last went to bed with two women at once, and then I was in my cups and not myself.