I never learned how to tie my shoes, and I was mocked for that. I still don't know how to.

If I was just allowed to talk and handle the whole thing by myself without the audience interrupting with laughter, the show would be much more interesting. Think about all the time we waste by waiting for them to finish their noise, you know?

I always have a bit of a look, a bit of a frown.

When I go to a bar or a party, I feel like a student invited me to the kegger, and I actually ended up going. And everyone's shocked: "Oh, my god, professor, I didn't know you were actually going to come!" That's me in any circle, really, especially when I hang out with my brother's friends.

There are a lot of times where people think I'm in things that I'm not in, because they think I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

Just give us 50 years where we're the only ones who are allowed to profit from art, and then you can do whoever you want. In fact, I'll buy you the paint. Whatever you want. Just give us 50 years. 50 years. That's it.

It's always fun when you see different comics at different weights or with different hair.