If you live long enough, you get accused of things you never did and praised for virtues you never had.

The difference between burlesque and the newspapers is that the former never pretended to be performing a public service by exposure.

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

When you're young, you get blamed for crimes that you didn't commit. When you are old, you get credit for virtues that you never had. I guess it all evens out in the end.

When war comes, reason is regarded as treason.

You have to take the long view. First, when Moses came down from Mt. Sinai, man has already progressed to the point where a commandment against cannibalism was no longer necessary. And, second, it's like pissing on a boulder. For the first few thousand years, you don't see any effect. But after that, you start to see a definite impact.

The only kinds of fights worth fighting are those you’re going to lose, because somebody has to fight them and lose and lose and lose until someday, somebody who believes as you do wins.