The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.