The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

You can't go to the bathroom alone... you might not come back. Cause no girl's ever been to the bathroom alone and survived. It's true. The last woman that attempted it, it was 1937 and her name was Amelia Earhart.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.