The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

Both are salty, one will give me carpal tunnel, I'll go with the fries.

It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.