I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.