You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.