If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

I can apply myself to the format of 'SNL,' I can apply myself to the format of 'Conan,' but at the same time, I'm still being J. B. Smoove. I'm not changing up my style, I'm not changing up how I think, what's funny to me, my delivery, the way I carry myself.

Just broke up with somebody. Well, it wasn't really a break up, it was a booty call I might have took too serious.

I wish black people had a flag they could put into the ground, like when the troops stormed Iwo Jima.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.

Keep it real by being straight forward. Don't pull no punches on people. It's better to tell somebody than just lollygag around, letting them think they're living their life the right way. Because some people don't know what the hell they're doing, they don't know if they're living the right way or making the right decisions. Some people don't know that.

Before I got into stand-up, I used to be a hip-hop dancer in a crew, and my name was J. Smoove, and my partner was J. Groove.