If your boss asks you why you're comin' in late, you say it's 'cause you stayed late.

I drive a big Dodge truck. I drive American cars.

As far as standup, everybody has a vehicle they are driving. If what you do works, it's like playing golf. If you can master that one swing over and over again, you will be successful. That's what standup is. You have to have a central move and it has to be yours. You have to own your comedy, own what you do.

You turn hotdogs with tongs. Don't you ever use those tongs on a hamburger.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.

This Italian restaurant I'm at is authentic! When they seat you, they give you a mustache.