People don't need sex so much as they need to be listened to.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it’s absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit.

Like what's the point being a health nut by day if you're a coke head at night.

My mom says I have to be more positive, and I say life has to be more positive too or it's just not going to work.

If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.

I bet the worst part about dying is the part where your whole life passes before you.