When I first came into this world, Elvis was already fat.

If you are a human being, you might as well face it. You are going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.

I worry that humanity has been "advanced" to its present level of incompetency because evolution works on the Peter Principle.

I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

I even worry about reflective flea collars. Oh, sure, drivers can see them glow in the dark, but so can the fleas.

It's my belief we developed language because of our deep inner need to complain.