I am sick of being the victim of trends I reflect but don't even understand.

You don't know what it's like! Hyperactive twins! When they turned three, my doctor prescribed Ritalin -- I wouldn't dream of giving a drug to my children, but it does help when I take it myself.

If evolution was worth its salt, by now it should've evolved something better than survival of the fittest. I think a better idea would be survival of the wittiest.

Just think: your family are the people most likely to give you the flu.

My space chums think reality was once a primitive method of crowd control that got out of hand. In my view, it’s absurdity dressed up in a three-piece business suit.

Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you, they can't laugh either.

I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have deja vu!